It's kind of a funny word, PEACE. In Latin, the word is pax. En espanol, esta la pas. It's funny because it has all kinds of meanings. And those meanings differ for each person. For some, "Peace on Earth" means no wars, no killings, no bloodshed in the name of whatever god the killers choose. Living in New York City, I see enough of it. This city is ecstatic because 2011 is on track to have to the third fewest murders in its history. The projection yesterday was that nearly 500 people will be murdered in this city. And our leaders are happy about that. I'm not. But that's not the "peace" I seek. And I don't think that's the "peace" most people seek.
That "peace" is that feeling deep inside us that is quiet and happy. It is that depth of soul that all of us seek, and spend our lives seeking. It listens to others and to ourselves and our desires and longings. It wants to spread. It is joyful, it is happy, it is wondrous. I think I've experienced that "peace" a couple of times in my life. But I'm human and I couldn't sustain it or retain it. So I still seek it. And I still seek its source.
Some would suggest that peace comes from God. I think, perhaps, that is true. However God incarnates in each person is where peace can be found. But we are human, and we don't welcome that incarnation very often. I know I don't. It scares the crap out of me. Asking God to become incarnate in me is a scary thing. Kind of makes me think about how Jesus felt (having the personal and resolute belief Jesus truly is the Messiah, the Son of God). There is so much pain and so much joy in asking God to do that in me.
My life has changed very radically this year. And, with that, the lives of people I love very much has also changed very radically this year. And as I was (and am) going through that change, I lost track of those people that I love and lost track of how my change effected them. I feel it very palpably tonight on Christmas Eve. And I believe that feeling that I am experiencing right now is the exact opposite of "peace". Call it guilt, call it regret, call it whatever you will, it's not a good feeling. Christmas carols (not even Amy Grant) can change that. And maybe that's the way it needs to be.
But I still seek peace. And my life is about seeking that peace. And bringing that peace to others, especially those who I love with all my heart, soul, and being. And you know who you are. I miss you so much, but especially tonight. And as I seek that elusive peace within myself, I pray it into you. Because you deserve it far more than I do. Your patience and love and acceptance of me as I am humbles me and brings me to tears more often than you know.
Yet, Christmas still comes. Insistent this holiday is. I've resisted it, more to resist the feelings I have now than anything. I'm still not good at crying, although I'm getting lots of practice. But it still comes. And the world is joyful and happy. And it should be, Christmas means so much to our world. And it means so much to me as well. Sadly, a lot of what it means for me isn't here today. So I must seek it somewhere. I MUST SEEK PEACE. And we all must seek peace.
Be Born in Us Today. Please.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Ohana
My beautiful daughter, Maggie, reminded me of this phrase today (by now, yesterday). It means, loosely translated, that our blood relatives are not forgotten or left behind. As I sit here, very early on Christmas Eve morning, I must admit that I am feeling both left behind (which would be my choice) and forgotten (which isn't my choice).
There are three people in my life that I love to the very core of my being. They are my children. Maggie, Katie, and Tom. And they have no idea how sad I am that I am not there to spend Christmas with them.
You see, Christmas evolved with our family as we got older. It evolved into us spending time with one another. Just being together. I didn't (for lots of reasons) appreciate that. I think those three, and perhaps four and now five, people did. I do, now that I'm not there to spend it with them. Those traditions that we grew together (you all better be eating prime rib for supper, exchanging gifts downstairs, and then going to Midnight Mass tonight), they are what fuel us. And they still fuel me, although I'm not there physically to share it. And you can't imagine how sad that makes me feel. And while I'm not there in body, know that I am there in spirit.
Know that the Birth of Jesus means something. Know that the Incarnation is important. I'm going to find a place here to celebrate it with you in spirit. I am sad and regretful that I cannot, and choose not to, be with you on this lovely day. But I also realize that the train of our lives must try very hard to keep on its track, not knowing where it is eventually headed. But the track is already laid, no matter how curvy it can be, and the Layer is leading us on it. I trust Him, even in those times He is silent.
And in that Silence, I seek peace. And isn't that the true meaning of this season? Seek Peace. I am looking with an open mind and open heart.
But I miss my family terribly. And I can only hope they miss me. Although chances are...
There are three people in my life that I love to the very core of my being. They are my children. Maggie, Katie, and Tom. And they have no idea how sad I am that I am not there to spend Christmas with them.
You see, Christmas evolved with our family as we got older. It evolved into us spending time with one another. Just being together. I didn't (for lots of reasons) appreciate that. I think those three, and perhaps four and now five, people did. I do, now that I'm not there to spend it with them. Those traditions that we grew together (you all better be eating prime rib for supper, exchanging gifts downstairs, and then going to Midnight Mass tonight), they are what fuel us. And they still fuel me, although I'm not there physically to share it. And you can't imagine how sad that makes me feel. And while I'm not there in body, know that I am there in spirit.
Know that the Birth of Jesus means something. Know that the Incarnation is important. I'm going to find a place here to celebrate it with you in spirit. I am sad and regretful that I cannot, and choose not to, be with you on this lovely day. But I also realize that the train of our lives must try very hard to keep on its track, not knowing where it is eventually headed. But the track is already laid, no matter how curvy it can be, and the Layer is leading us on it. I trust Him, even in those times He is silent.
And in that Silence, I seek peace. And isn't that the true meaning of this season? Seek Peace. I am looking with an open mind and open heart.
But I miss my family terribly. And I can only hope they miss me. Although chances are...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
More Later...
it has been an eventful week or so on the #8 train, that's for sure... But tonight it just stopped cold in it's tracks. I will post more in the next couple of days when I have a few minutes to spare (which may not be until sometime over the weekend) to let everyone know what I've been up to, but tonight couldn't go by without writing something.
The Christmas season is wonderful. It really is, and I've eschewed it almost my entire life by waiting to get my shopping done, really trying to joyfully celebrate Advent, etc. But now that I'm in New York, it's kind of hard to escape it. I've tried, I really have. We have our "Holiday Party" at Information Builders tomorrow. It's not a big deal (not like what they used to be from what I've heard). It's from 1-3 at a bar. We get beer, wine, and some appetizers. Whoopee. That, folks, was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration this year and I was (and am) kind of looking forward to it. But a couple of weeks ago, that was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration.
I went out for sushi (duh) with some co-workers of mine tonight. When I got home tonight, there was a box waiting for me outside my door. In that box was some garland and some lights, a beautiful shark, a mint tree, a beautful shark, and hand wrapped ornaments from my grandmother. My daughters wrapped all of this up for me so that my Christmas could be a little less lonely. That was an hour or so ago and I haven't stopped crying. It was the single most beautiful thing I have ever received (in collective) because it was meant to help me not feel as alone as I am feeling. And I appreciate it more than they will ever know. And I love them and am more proud of them than I could ever express. The only thing I wish right now is that they were both here (with their brother) so that I could give them a giant hug and tell them that.
But the #8 train made some choices and he has to live with them. Some of them are great, some of them are painful. But during this season of peace and joy, it's good to know that people wish that for me as much as I wish it for them.
I love you!
The Christmas season is wonderful. It really is, and I've eschewed it almost my entire life by waiting to get my shopping done, really trying to joyfully celebrate Advent, etc. But now that I'm in New York, it's kind of hard to escape it. I've tried, I really have. We have our "Holiday Party" at Information Builders tomorrow. It's not a big deal (not like what they used to be from what I've heard). It's from 1-3 at a bar. We get beer, wine, and some appetizers. Whoopee. That, folks, was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration this year and I was (and am) kind of looking forward to it. But a couple of weeks ago, that was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration.
I went out for sushi (duh) with some co-workers of mine tonight. When I got home tonight, there was a box waiting for me outside my door. In that box was some garland and some lights, a beautiful shark, a mint tree, a beautful shark, and hand wrapped ornaments from my grandmother. My daughters wrapped all of this up for me so that my Christmas could be a little less lonely. That was an hour or so ago and I haven't stopped crying. It was the single most beautiful thing I have ever received (in collective) because it was meant to help me not feel as alone as I am feeling. And I appreciate it more than they will ever know. And I love them and am more proud of them than I could ever express. The only thing I wish right now is that they were both here (with their brother) so that I could give them a giant hug and tell them that.
But the #8 train made some choices and he has to live with them. Some of them are great, some of them are painful. But during this season of peace and joy, it's good to know that people wish that for me as much as I wish it for them.
I love you!
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