Peace

It's kind of a funny word, PEACE.  In Latin, the word is pax.  En espanol, esta la pas.  It's funny because it has all kinds of meanings.  And those meanings differ for each person.  For some, "Peace on Earth" means no wars, no killings, no bloodshed in the name of whatever god the killers choose.  Living in New York City, I see enough of it.  This city is ecstatic because 2011 is on track to have to the third fewest murders in its history.  The projection yesterday was that nearly 500 people will be murdered in this city.  And our leaders are happy about that.  I'm not.  But that's not the "peace" I seek.  And I don't think that's the "peace" most people seek.

That "peace" is that feeling deep inside us that is quiet and happy.  It is that depth of soul that all of us seek, and spend our lives seeking.  It listens to others and to ourselves and our desires and longings.  It wants to spread.  It is joyful, it is happy, it is wondrous.  I think I've experienced that "peace" a couple of times in my life.  But I'm human and I couldn't sustain it or retain it.  So I still seek it.  And I still seek its source.

Some would suggest that peace comes from God.  I think, perhaps, that is true.  However God incarnates in each person is where peace can be found.  But we are human, and we don't welcome that incarnation very often.  I know I don't.  It scares the crap out of me.  Asking God to become incarnate in me is a scary thing.  Kind of makes me think about how Jesus felt (having the personal and resolute belief Jesus truly is the Messiah, the Son of God).  There is so much pain and so much joy in asking God to do that in me.

My life has changed very radically this year.  And, with that, the lives of people I love very much has also changed very radically this year.  And as I was (and am) going through that change, I lost track of those people that I love and lost track of how my change effected them.  I feel it very palpably tonight on Christmas Eve.  And I believe that feeling that I am experiencing right now is the exact opposite of "peace".  Call it guilt, call it regret, call it whatever you will, it's not a good feeling.  Christmas carols (not even Amy Grant) can change that.  And maybe that's the way it needs to be.

But I still seek peace.  And my life is about seeking that peace.  And bringing that peace to others, especially those who I love with all my heart, soul, and being.  And you know who you are.  I miss you so much, but especially tonight.  And as I seek that elusive peace within myself, I pray it into you.  Because you deserve it far more than I do.  Your patience and love and acceptance of me as I am humbles me and brings me to tears more often than you know.

Yet, Christmas still comes.  Insistent this holiday is.  I've resisted it, more to resist the feelings I have now than anything.  I'm still not good at crying, although I'm getting lots of practice.  But it still comes.  And the world is joyful and happy.  And it should be, Christmas means so much to our world.  And it means so much to me as well.  Sadly, a lot of what it means for me isn't here today.  So I must seek it somewhere.  I MUST SEEK PEACE.  And we all must seek peace.

Be Born in Us Today.  Please.