As I begin this blog with some crying and trying real hard to figure out what Easter means, I know some things...
I know that Jesus rose from the dead. I feel it. I can't explain it. I'm sorry that I can't. There's no evidence of it, and he may not have even risen from the dead. But he's alive. Just like my father and my mother (Happy Birthday, Mom!) and Pappy and Gram and Grandma Schultz and Uncle James and... they're all alive. And my brother or sister, the one I never knew about. They're all here tonight. And I'm celebrating Easter with all of them!
Because I am learning that Easter isn't about Jesus. It's about us. It's about me and it's about you. It's about all of us learning that there are times that we get put into the grave. We get put there, sometimes because of our own choosing (in my case), sometimes not because we choose it. Easter is about coming out of the grave. And I can't come out of the grave right now, and that's very sad for me. Which would explain why I'm blogging and not attending a really cool Easter Vigil somewhere in New York City.
The grave sucks. My daughter asked if she could come to New York and spend Easter with me, I refused. She was on spring break from school (where she is the MOST AWESOME student in the college she is attending) and the MOST CREATIVE person I've ever known (sorry Maggie, the pelican painting is amazing, but your Katniss dress is a VERY close #2). I regret so much that I missed, mainly because I am still in my grave. I missed seeing what was going on with my kids. Their resentment is completely understood.
I missed a chemical dependency or two (or maybe three). I missed a lot of things in their lives that 'normal' parents would not have missed. I missed them because I was 'too busy' and 'providing'. The reality was I was blind to what my children needed. And that blindness, that total disregard for who my children were becoming, effects us to this day. I know three of the most amazing people on this planet. My oldest daughter is one of the most creative costumers in the world. My middle daughter has created some of the most beautiful pieces of art that I've seen in a long time. My son is one of the most creative comics and teachers that I've ever come in contact with. And I don't tell them that enough. And it's good that I don't need to, they know it. But it would be good if I could tell them.
I hope their graves are not as deep as mine. I don't think they are, and I hope they aren't. I dug mine. I dug it when I took the job I have. I dug it when I moved to New York. It just gets deeper as I realize that, on Easter, my highlight will be cleaning my apartment and writing a technical specification for a demonstration. I tried to make friends here. I have some. But none that care enough about me to make sure that my Easter is spent around people who care about me. They have their own people who they need to make sure are OK on this feast. So I am spending Easter alone. Heck, even Jesus didn't do that!
My grave is there, the rock rolled over, the cloths draped over me. All of the regrets, all of the pain, all of the bad decisions I've made, all of the wrong things I've done, they are the cloths. Like Jesus, I am waiting for the Father to reach down and tell me...
ARISE, MY LOVE. THE GRAVE NO LONGER HAS A HOLD ON YOU.
When that day comes, this planet will hear the rejoicing!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Monday, December 10, 2012
Under the Sea, Well, Not Quite...
Scuba diving for me has been a wonderful diversion and an escape. I've been to some very wonderful places and have had the privilege to dive with some of the finest people in the world (my family included). When I came to NYC, I was faced with a diving dilemma, "where can I dive and work as a PADI professional?" So I did what anyone would do to find a scuba diving shop, I Googled them!
My first 'hit' was at Pan Aqua dive shop on the west side of Manhattan, the same side of the island I am on. I sent them a couple of emails with no response, which seemed odd, but I understand busy. I had been to the shop before and knew that the equipment I brought with me was lined up exactly with what they were selling, so it seemed to be a very good fit. After not hearing from them after a couple emails, I thought I'd stop by. So I did, introduced myself, let the folks know that all I wanted to do was help with classes and that I'd pay my own way if I had a chance to dive. I was told, to my utter shock, that they didn't need or want any help, that they had plenty. So I walked out the door never to return and sent an email to the folks at Empire Divers.
It took about 10 minutes for my phone to ring. Cliff and Debbie wanted me to come in to the shop and meet me and talk about what I wanted and discuss how I could help them. Yeah, I went that afternoon. I was in the pool a couple of days later doing a Scuba Review. That was early in the summer in 2011. By the end of the summer, I was going out to their open water classes at Dutch Springs and helping out there. When the outdoor diving season ended, I stayed busy at least 2 days a month in the pool and was helping out in the dive shop one or two times per week.
I guess it was January when I was at the pool with Cliff and he approached me to let me know that he needed an instructor and he thought I could be a fantastic instructor. (One of the instructors that I worked with at Dutch from Empire, Joi Petrik, moved to Hawai'i.) I told him that I was flattered and that he was probably right, but that I honestly couldn't afford it. At that point, right there, Cliff offered to pay for the Instructor Development Course and the Instructor Examination if I worked for him for a while. Naturally, I told him I would think about it. Yeah, that thought process didn't take too long and the next day we were looking at IDC options.
The choice we made was to use Course Director Steve Scigliano at Swim and Scuba in Rockville Center because Steve was able to put together an IDC that went for 5 consecutive days in February, which worked perfectly for my schedule. During the IDC, Cliff even did his IDC Staff Instructor course, so we had an opportunity to 'reverse commute' every day to Long Island. The IDC was grueling and intense. The days were about 10 hours a piece on site, plus the commute, plus 3-4 hours of homework each night. I felt like I was back in college (and actually paying attention)! I capped my IDC experience by going to Nassau (on miles and points) for a long weekend and doing some diving with Stuart's Cove. Perfect way to decompress after a long week, that's for sure!
I then went to work in the shop as an Assistant Instructor. I was teaching classes and meeting folks and having fun until it was time for the Instructor Examination.
The IE was held in Allentown, PA (the open water portions were done at Dutch Springs). I went out on Friday evening and stayed in Allentown at a Hilton Garden Inn that was wonderful. I did my best to get a good night's sleep, as the IE began bright and early on Saturday morning at 7:00. As my father taught me, 15 minutes before is on time, so I showed up at the hotel where the academic portion of the IDC was being held at 6:45. Lots of people were taught the same lesson, apparently, and I ended up in the front of the room!
The first part of the IE is academic. You take a series of tests that center on standards and procedures, equipment, the dive environment, physiology, physics, and decompression theory. You have to score 75% or better on each section of the exam, or you have to retake that section the next day and, if you can't get the requisite 75%, you have to schedule to do that portion at another IE. So there's some pressure there to not fail, and that's OK. When one of the examiners asked us candidates if we were nervous, most of us said we were. Then he asked why. I, naturally, blurted out "Physics". Sure enough, I had to retake the Physics test on Sunday morning! But I did fantastic on the rest of the exams!
The next portion of the exam was an oral presentation. OK, it didn't really matter what topic I was given. The IDC prepared me with the presentation format and the required elements. And I speak in public for a living. This wasn't hard at all. 3.8 out of 5 because I didn't use props and didn't cover something that I didn't think was all that important. Needed a 3.5, on to the pool.
I arrived at the pool and I was the only one from my IDC there that day (the other two guys, Dennis and Bob, did all of this on Friday because Bob is Orthodox and Dennis is just a better man than I to volunteer to spend his Friday with Bob), so I was behind the 8 ball a little bit. I didn't have anybody to help with equipment set up and double checks. As I was finishing up my preparations, the staff told me to hurry up and get ready and go join a group. I did not complete my checks, but they assured me that I would be OK. So I put my scuba unit on and swam out to join the other group. As we descended, I put my regulator in my mouth and took a breath. Off an empty tank.
Needless to say, the Instructor Examiner was not one bit happy. He said, rightly, that he could fail me right at that moment. Until I let him know that I was not given the time to perform my predive checks by the staff who was hurrying me. He told me to get out of the pool, swap my tank, and join another group. I got another chance. But I was not one bit happy about it, as the tank was one of ours from Empire and should have been full (because we filled them when we inspected them about 6 weeks prior, but they were used for a couple of classes) and the staff shouldn't have been so insistent that I hurry. No matter, it was still my fault for using an empty tank. Will never happen again.
I ended up doing the skill circuit (5 skills the examiner chooses for you) flawlessly and ended up with a 4.2 out of 5.0 on my confined water. Then it was back to the hotel to study physics while the rest of the candidates went to dinner and the casino. That was just fine with me. After a day like that, I was in no mood for hooting it up at a casino!
I got a decent night's sleep, was ready for the physics make up, and got to Dutch Springs in plenty of time to reconnect with Dennis and Bob and a couple of other "old guys". It was awesome sharing this experience with men my own age (and a couple even older than me!). We began with a rescue exercise (everyone has to perform a rescue of an unresponsive diver at the surface), taking turns as rescuer, victim, and equipment handler. I think I did alright, 4.8 out of 5.0 because I didn't take my mask off immediately. Then it was to the platform.
We were assigned skills that we had to work with our 'class' on performing. Mine were easy (regulator recovery and partial mask clearing), and I did fine. One of the guys had the Controlled Emergency Swimming Ascent (CESA) and picked me to do it with. Thanks. So as we started up, the Examiner told me to take a breath. I did, we went back down to the platform and started up again. I took a breath about 5 feet from the surface, but the 'instructor' did just fine. The Examiner, however, told me that he needed to see me do one flawlessly before I could pass. So, when everybody got to the surface, he and I headed back to the platform so that I could perform a flawless CESA. Done.
We debriefed the dives, I got a 4.8 out of 5.0, and the Instructor Examiner extended his hand and said to me, "Congratulations, Mr. Instructor." Wow.
I became a PADI Open Water Scuba Instructor on June 3, 2012.
I certified my first open water divers on June 10, 2012 and, during the summer, was lucky to certify a total of 30 Open Water divers, 3 Advanced Open Water divers, 3 Rescue divers (one being my daughter, Katie :)!), 1 Peak Performance specialty diver, and certified 2 people in Emergency First Response. I spent 10 weekends at Dutch Springs during the summer of 2012. I had some wonderful times with some wonderful people.
I started "Team Fun", consisting of people that I've been lucky enough to certify. We have team meetings and I'm putting together a bunch of ideas for things we can do. Keeping people connected is very important in diving, but using diving as a connection point for folks is also a very good thing to do. And because I believe that diving isn't really diving if you're not doing and sharing it with other people and I also believe that diving is, fundamentally, fun. And when I'm teaching, I do my best to help people concentrate on the fun aspects of the sport/activity.
I became a PADI Master Scuba Diver Trainer on November 30, 2012 with specialty certifications in Deep, Boat, Underwater Naturalist, Underwater Navigator (hahaha), and Multilevel Diving.
I am looking forward to spending some time in the classroom and the pool this winter. Right now, I don't have any vacations planned to dive destinations this spring, and that's OK. I'll have fun with our customers!
Diving catch up... done.
My first 'hit' was at Pan Aqua dive shop on the west side of Manhattan, the same side of the island I am on. I sent them a couple of emails with no response, which seemed odd, but I understand busy. I had been to the shop before and knew that the equipment I brought with me was lined up exactly with what they were selling, so it seemed to be a very good fit. After not hearing from them after a couple emails, I thought I'd stop by. So I did, introduced myself, let the folks know that all I wanted to do was help with classes and that I'd pay my own way if I had a chance to dive. I was told, to my utter shock, that they didn't need or want any help, that they had plenty. So I walked out the door never to return and sent an email to the folks at Empire Divers.
It took about 10 minutes for my phone to ring. Cliff and Debbie wanted me to come in to the shop and meet me and talk about what I wanted and discuss how I could help them. Yeah, I went that afternoon. I was in the pool a couple of days later doing a Scuba Review. That was early in the summer in 2011. By the end of the summer, I was going out to their open water classes at Dutch Springs and helping out there. When the outdoor diving season ended, I stayed busy at least 2 days a month in the pool and was helping out in the dive shop one or two times per week.
I guess it was January when I was at the pool with Cliff and he approached me to let me know that he needed an instructor and he thought I could be a fantastic instructor. (One of the instructors that I worked with at Dutch from Empire, Joi Petrik, moved to Hawai'i.) I told him that I was flattered and that he was probably right, but that I honestly couldn't afford it. At that point, right there, Cliff offered to pay for the Instructor Development Course and the Instructor Examination if I worked for him for a while. Naturally, I told him I would think about it. Yeah, that thought process didn't take too long and the next day we were looking at IDC options.
The choice we made was to use Course Director Steve Scigliano at Swim and Scuba in Rockville Center because Steve was able to put together an IDC that went for 5 consecutive days in February, which worked perfectly for my schedule. During the IDC, Cliff even did his IDC Staff Instructor course, so we had an opportunity to 'reverse commute' every day to Long Island. The IDC was grueling and intense. The days were about 10 hours a piece on site, plus the commute, plus 3-4 hours of homework each night. I felt like I was back in college (and actually paying attention)! I capped my IDC experience by going to Nassau (on miles and points) for a long weekend and doing some diving with Stuart's Cove. Perfect way to decompress after a long week, that's for sure!
I then went to work in the shop as an Assistant Instructor. I was teaching classes and meeting folks and having fun until it was time for the Instructor Examination.
The IE was held in Allentown, PA (the open water portions were done at Dutch Springs). I went out on Friday evening and stayed in Allentown at a Hilton Garden Inn that was wonderful. I did my best to get a good night's sleep, as the IE began bright and early on Saturday morning at 7:00. As my father taught me, 15 minutes before is on time, so I showed up at the hotel where the academic portion of the IDC was being held at 6:45. Lots of people were taught the same lesson, apparently, and I ended up in the front of the room!
The first part of the IE is academic. You take a series of tests that center on standards and procedures, equipment, the dive environment, physiology, physics, and decompression theory. You have to score 75% or better on each section of the exam, or you have to retake that section the next day and, if you can't get the requisite 75%, you have to schedule to do that portion at another IE. So there's some pressure there to not fail, and that's OK. When one of the examiners asked us candidates if we were nervous, most of us said we were. Then he asked why. I, naturally, blurted out "Physics". Sure enough, I had to retake the Physics test on Sunday morning! But I did fantastic on the rest of the exams!
The next portion of the exam was an oral presentation. OK, it didn't really matter what topic I was given. The IDC prepared me with the presentation format and the required elements. And I speak in public for a living. This wasn't hard at all. 3.8 out of 5 because I didn't use props and didn't cover something that I didn't think was all that important. Needed a 3.5, on to the pool.
I arrived at the pool and I was the only one from my IDC there that day (the other two guys, Dennis and Bob, did all of this on Friday because Bob is Orthodox and Dennis is just a better man than I to volunteer to spend his Friday with Bob), so I was behind the 8 ball a little bit. I didn't have anybody to help with equipment set up and double checks. As I was finishing up my preparations, the staff told me to hurry up and get ready and go join a group. I did not complete my checks, but they assured me that I would be OK. So I put my scuba unit on and swam out to join the other group. As we descended, I put my regulator in my mouth and took a breath. Off an empty tank.
Needless to say, the Instructor Examiner was not one bit happy. He said, rightly, that he could fail me right at that moment. Until I let him know that I was not given the time to perform my predive checks by the staff who was hurrying me. He told me to get out of the pool, swap my tank, and join another group. I got another chance. But I was not one bit happy about it, as the tank was one of ours from Empire and should have been full (because we filled them when we inspected them about 6 weeks prior, but they were used for a couple of classes) and the staff shouldn't have been so insistent that I hurry. No matter, it was still my fault for using an empty tank. Will never happen again.
I ended up doing the skill circuit (5 skills the examiner chooses for you) flawlessly and ended up with a 4.2 out of 5.0 on my confined water. Then it was back to the hotel to study physics while the rest of the candidates went to dinner and the casino. That was just fine with me. After a day like that, I was in no mood for hooting it up at a casino!
I got a decent night's sleep, was ready for the physics make up, and got to Dutch Springs in plenty of time to reconnect with Dennis and Bob and a couple of other "old guys". It was awesome sharing this experience with men my own age (and a couple even older than me!). We began with a rescue exercise (everyone has to perform a rescue of an unresponsive diver at the surface), taking turns as rescuer, victim, and equipment handler. I think I did alright, 4.8 out of 5.0 because I didn't take my mask off immediately. Then it was to the platform.
We were assigned skills that we had to work with our 'class' on performing. Mine were easy (regulator recovery and partial mask clearing), and I did fine. One of the guys had the Controlled Emergency Swimming Ascent (CESA) and picked me to do it with. Thanks. So as we started up, the Examiner told me to take a breath. I did, we went back down to the platform and started up again. I took a breath about 5 feet from the surface, but the 'instructor' did just fine. The Examiner, however, told me that he needed to see me do one flawlessly before I could pass. So, when everybody got to the surface, he and I headed back to the platform so that I could perform a flawless CESA. Done.
We debriefed the dives, I got a 4.8 out of 5.0, and the Instructor Examiner extended his hand and said to me, "Congratulations, Mr. Instructor." Wow.
I became a PADI Open Water Scuba Instructor on June 3, 2012.
I certified my first open water divers on June 10, 2012 and, during the summer, was lucky to certify a total of 30 Open Water divers, 3 Advanced Open Water divers, 3 Rescue divers (one being my daughter, Katie :)!), 1 Peak Performance specialty diver, and certified 2 people in Emergency First Response. I spent 10 weekends at Dutch Springs during the summer of 2012. I had some wonderful times with some wonderful people.
I started "Team Fun", consisting of people that I've been lucky enough to certify. We have team meetings and I'm putting together a bunch of ideas for things we can do. Keeping people connected is very important in diving, but using diving as a connection point for folks is also a very good thing to do. And because I believe that diving isn't really diving if you're not doing and sharing it with other people and I also believe that diving is, fundamentally, fun. And when I'm teaching, I do my best to help people concentrate on the fun aspects of the sport/activity.
I became a PADI Master Scuba Diver Trainer on November 30, 2012 with specialty certifications in Deep, Boat, Underwater Naturalist, Underwater Navigator (hahaha), and Multilevel Diving.
I am looking forward to spending some time in the classroom and the pool this winter. Right now, I don't have any vacations planned to dive destinations this spring, and that's OK. I'll have fun with our customers!
Diving catch up... done.
Monday, November 26, 2012
OK, So It's Been a While...
In fact, almost an entire year has gone by. I can chronicle the year, almost day-to-day, but I think I will highlight a few things...
I began working at a dive shop last year as a PADI Divemaster. During January, while I was doing a Scuba Review, the owner of the dive shop told me I should be an instructor and that the shop would help with seeing that as a reality. To make an incredibly long story very short, I was certified as a PADI Open Water Scuba Instructor on June 3, 2012. I spent 10 weekends over the summer of 2012 getting to know and certify some very wonderful people! I'm already looking forward to 2013!
My "real" job has kept me fairly busy. Since moving to New York City, I clearly am not traveling as much and am able to enjoy some of the things the city has to offer. Not to say that I haven't traveled! My highlights of the year were a visit to the Bahamas in February and our Quota Club trip to Maui at the end of April. It's been a transitional year for me at the job, it will be interesting to see what 2013 brings.
During May, I had to move. OK, the move wasn't far. It was about 10 yards across the back patio. But I still had to move.
My daughter, Katie, came to visit in September (and, coincidentally, became a certified Rescue Diver in the process) and my son, Tom, came to visit for Thanksgiving. Amazing times with those two and it's good for us to get together. I did go back to Minnesota in May and was able to see all my children and that was a very special time. All three of them came out for a few days after Christmas in January. We had a good, but somewhat challenging, time.
I'm seeing a podiatrist and a chiropractor.
I've made some new friends, but need to learn to be OK with being both alone and lonely once in a while. This just might help... And I'll spend some more time drilling into each of these and getting everyone caught up. And, in the process, may be able to catch myself up as well...
I began working at a dive shop last year as a PADI Divemaster. During January, while I was doing a Scuba Review, the owner of the dive shop told me I should be an instructor and that the shop would help with seeing that as a reality. To make an incredibly long story very short, I was certified as a PADI Open Water Scuba Instructor on June 3, 2012. I spent 10 weekends over the summer of 2012 getting to know and certify some very wonderful people! I'm already looking forward to 2013!
My "real" job has kept me fairly busy. Since moving to New York City, I clearly am not traveling as much and am able to enjoy some of the things the city has to offer. Not to say that I haven't traveled! My highlights of the year were a visit to the Bahamas in February and our Quota Club trip to Maui at the end of April. It's been a transitional year for me at the job, it will be interesting to see what 2013 brings.
During May, I had to move. OK, the move wasn't far. It was about 10 yards across the back patio. But I still had to move.
My daughter, Katie, came to visit in September (and, coincidentally, became a certified Rescue Diver in the process) and my son, Tom, came to visit for Thanksgiving. Amazing times with those two and it's good for us to get together. I did go back to Minnesota in May and was able to see all my children and that was a very special time. All three of them came out for a few days after Christmas in January. We had a good, but somewhat challenging, time.
I'm seeing a podiatrist and a chiropractor.
I've made some new friends, but need to learn to be OK with being both alone and lonely once in a while. This just might help... And I'll spend some more time drilling into each of these and getting everyone caught up. And, in the process, may be able to catch myself up as well...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Peace
It's kind of a funny word, PEACE. In Latin, the word is pax. En espanol, esta la pas. It's funny because it has all kinds of meanings. And those meanings differ for each person. For some, "Peace on Earth" means no wars, no killings, no bloodshed in the name of whatever god the killers choose. Living in New York City, I see enough of it. This city is ecstatic because 2011 is on track to have to the third fewest murders in its history. The projection yesterday was that nearly 500 people will be murdered in this city. And our leaders are happy about that. I'm not. But that's not the "peace" I seek. And I don't think that's the "peace" most people seek.
That "peace" is that feeling deep inside us that is quiet and happy. It is that depth of soul that all of us seek, and spend our lives seeking. It listens to others and to ourselves and our desires and longings. It wants to spread. It is joyful, it is happy, it is wondrous. I think I've experienced that "peace" a couple of times in my life. But I'm human and I couldn't sustain it or retain it. So I still seek it. And I still seek its source.
Some would suggest that peace comes from God. I think, perhaps, that is true. However God incarnates in each person is where peace can be found. But we are human, and we don't welcome that incarnation very often. I know I don't. It scares the crap out of me. Asking God to become incarnate in me is a scary thing. Kind of makes me think about how Jesus felt (having the personal and resolute belief Jesus truly is the Messiah, the Son of God). There is so much pain and so much joy in asking God to do that in me.
My life has changed very radically this year. And, with that, the lives of people I love very much has also changed very radically this year. And as I was (and am) going through that change, I lost track of those people that I love and lost track of how my change effected them. I feel it very palpably tonight on Christmas Eve. And I believe that feeling that I am experiencing right now is the exact opposite of "peace". Call it guilt, call it regret, call it whatever you will, it's not a good feeling. Christmas carols (not even Amy Grant) can change that. And maybe that's the way it needs to be.
But I still seek peace. And my life is about seeking that peace. And bringing that peace to others, especially those who I love with all my heart, soul, and being. And you know who you are. I miss you so much, but especially tonight. And as I seek that elusive peace within myself, I pray it into you. Because you deserve it far more than I do. Your patience and love and acceptance of me as I am humbles me and brings me to tears more often than you know.
Yet, Christmas still comes. Insistent this holiday is. I've resisted it, more to resist the feelings I have now than anything. I'm still not good at crying, although I'm getting lots of practice. But it still comes. And the world is joyful and happy. And it should be, Christmas means so much to our world. And it means so much to me as well. Sadly, a lot of what it means for me isn't here today. So I must seek it somewhere. I MUST SEEK PEACE. And we all must seek peace.
Be Born in Us Today. Please.
That "peace" is that feeling deep inside us that is quiet and happy. It is that depth of soul that all of us seek, and spend our lives seeking. It listens to others and to ourselves and our desires and longings. It wants to spread. It is joyful, it is happy, it is wondrous. I think I've experienced that "peace" a couple of times in my life. But I'm human and I couldn't sustain it or retain it. So I still seek it. And I still seek its source.
Some would suggest that peace comes from God. I think, perhaps, that is true. However God incarnates in each person is where peace can be found. But we are human, and we don't welcome that incarnation very often. I know I don't. It scares the crap out of me. Asking God to become incarnate in me is a scary thing. Kind of makes me think about how Jesus felt (having the personal and resolute belief Jesus truly is the Messiah, the Son of God). There is so much pain and so much joy in asking God to do that in me.
My life has changed very radically this year. And, with that, the lives of people I love very much has also changed very radically this year. And as I was (and am) going through that change, I lost track of those people that I love and lost track of how my change effected them. I feel it very palpably tonight on Christmas Eve. And I believe that feeling that I am experiencing right now is the exact opposite of "peace". Call it guilt, call it regret, call it whatever you will, it's not a good feeling. Christmas carols (not even Amy Grant) can change that. And maybe that's the way it needs to be.
But I still seek peace. And my life is about seeking that peace. And bringing that peace to others, especially those who I love with all my heart, soul, and being. And you know who you are. I miss you so much, but especially tonight. And as I seek that elusive peace within myself, I pray it into you. Because you deserve it far more than I do. Your patience and love and acceptance of me as I am humbles me and brings me to tears more often than you know.
Yet, Christmas still comes. Insistent this holiday is. I've resisted it, more to resist the feelings I have now than anything. I'm still not good at crying, although I'm getting lots of practice. But it still comes. And the world is joyful and happy. And it should be, Christmas means so much to our world. And it means so much to me as well. Sadly, a lot of what it means for me isn't here today. So I must seek it somewhere. I MUST SEEK PEACE. And we all must seek peace.
Be Born in Us Today. Please.
Ohana
My beautiful daughter, Maggie, reminded me of this phrase today (by now, yesterday). It means, loosely translated, that our blood relatives are not forgotten or left behind. As I sit here, very early on Christmas Eve morning, I must admit that I am feeling both left behind (which would be my choice) and forgotten (which isn't my choice).
There are three people in my life that I love to the very core of my being. They are my children. Maggie, Katie, and Tom. And they have no idea how sad I am that I am not there to spend Christmas with them.
You see, Christmas evolved with our family as we got older. It evolved into us spending time with one another. Just being together. I didn't (for lots of reasons) appreciate that. I think those three, and perhaps four and now five, people did. I do, now that I'm not there to spend it with them. Those traditions that we grew together (you all better be eating prime rib for supper, exchanging gifts downstairs, and then going to Midnight Mass tonight), they are what fuel us. And they still fuel me, although I'm not there physically to share it. And you can't imagine how sad that makes me feel. And while I'm not there in body, know that I am there in spirit.
Know that the Birth of Jesus means something. Know that the Incarnation is important. I'm going to find a place here to celebrate it with you in spirit. I am sad and regretful that I cannot, and choose not to, be with you on this lovely day. But I also realize that the train of our lives must try very hard to keep on its track, not knowing where it is eventually headed. But the track is already laid, no matter how curvy it can be, and the Layer is leading us on it. I trust Him, even in those times He is silent.
And in that Silence, I seek peace. And isn't that the true meaning of this season? Seek Peace. I am looking with an open mind and open heart.
But I miss my family terribly. And I can only hope they miss me. Although chances are...
There are three people in my life that I love to the very core of my being. They are my children. Maggie, Katie, and Tom. And they have no idea how sad I am that I am not there to spend Christmas with them.
You see, Christmas evolved with our family as we got older. It evolved into us spending time with one another. Just being together. I didn't (for lots of reasons) appreciate that. I think those three, and perhaps four and now five, people did. I do, now that I'm not there to spend it with them. Those traditions that we grew together (you all better be eating prime rib for supper, exchanging gifts downstairs, and then going to Midnight Mass tonight), they are what fuel us. And they still fuel me, although I'm not there physically to share it. And you can't imagine how sad that makes me feel. And while I'm not there in body, know that I am there in spirit.
Know that the Birth of Jesus means something. Know that the Incarnation is important. I'm going to find a place here to celebrate it with you in spirit. I am sad and regretful that I cannot, and choose not to, be with you on this lovely day. But I also realize that the train of our lives must try very hard to keep on its track, not knowing where it is eventually headed. But the track is already laid, no matter how curvy it can be, and the Layer is leading us on it. I trust Him, even in those times He is silent.
And in that Silence, I seek peace. And isn't that the true meaning of this season? Seek Peace. I am looking with an open mind and open heart.
But I miss my family terribly. And I can only hope they miss me. Although chances are...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
More Later...
it has been an eventful week or so on the #8 train, that's for sure... But tonight it just stopped cold in it's tracks. I will post more in the next couple of days when I have a few minutes to spare (which may not be until sometime over the weekend) to let everyone know what I've been up to, but tonight couldn't go by without writing something.
The Christmas season is wonderful. It really is, and I've eschewed it almost my entire life by waiting to get my shopping done, really trying to joyfully celebrate Advent, etc. But now that I'm in New York, it's kind of hard to escape it. I've tried, I really have. We have our "Holiday Party" at Information Builders tomorrow. It's not a big deal (not like what they used to be from what I've heard). It's from 1-3 at a bar. We get beer, wine, and some appetizers. Whoopee. That, folks, was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration this year and I was (and am) kind of looking forward to it. But a couple of weeks ago, that was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration.
I went out for sushi (duh) with some co-workers of mine tonight. When I got home tonight, there was a box waiting for me outside my door. In that box was some garland and some lights, a beautiful shark, a mint tree, a beautful shark, and hand wrapped ornaments from my grandmother. My daughters wrapped all of this up for me so that my Christmas could be a little less lonely. That was an hour or so ago and I haven't stopped crying. It was the single most beautiful thing I have ever received (in collective) because it was meant to help me not feel as alone as I am feeling. And I appreciate it more than they will ever know. And I love them and am more proud of them than I could ever express. The only thing I wish right now is that they were both here (with their brother) so that I could give them a giant hug and tell them that.
But the #8 train made some choices and he has to live with them. Some of them are great, some of them are painful. But during this season of peace and joy, it's good to know that people wish that for me as much as I wish it for them.
I love you!
The Christmas season is wonderful. It really is, and I've eschewed it almost my entire life by waiting to get my shopping done, really trying to joyfully celebrate Advent, etc. But now that I'm in New York, it's kind of hard to escape it. I've tried, I really have. We have our "Holiday Party" at Information Builders tomorrow. It's not a big deal (not like what they used to be from what I've heard). It's from 1-3 at a bar. We get beer, wine, and some appetizers. Whoopee. That, folks, was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration this year and I was (and am) kind of looking forward to it. But a couple of weeks ago, that was going to be the extent of my holiday celebration.
I went out for sushi (duh) with some co-workers of mine tonight. When I got home tonight, there was a box waiting for me outside my door. In that box was some garland and some lights, a beautiful shark, a mint tree, a beautful shark, and hand wrapped ornaments from my grandmother. My daughters wrapped all of this up for me so that my Christmas could be a little less lonely. That was an hour or so ago and I haven't stopped crying. It was the single most beautiful thing I have ever received (in collective) because it was meant to help me not feel as alone as I am feeling. And I appreciate it more than they will ever know. And I love them and am more proud of them than I could ever express. The only thing I wish right now is that they were both here (with their brother) so that I could give them a giant hug and tell them that.
But the #8 train made some choices and he has to live with them. Some of them are great, some of them are painful. But during this season of peace and joy, it's good to know that people wish that for me as much as I wish it for them.
I love you!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Happy Day After Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. I think it's meaning has evolved a little into preparing the turkey and eating wonderful foods and spending a day simply relaxing (for those not preparing the turkey and foods!) with family. And I think that's wonderful, and I really missed it this year.
My Thanksgiving was different. I spent it alone, by choice. I spent it taking some time to reflect on all of the things in my life I am thankful for right now. There was some pain and hurt inside me due to some of the decisions I've made over the past year in coming out here and, now, choosing to remain and learning that I am truly more alone than I thought I really was. And all that pain and hurt is exacerbated on holidays like Thanksgiving. But I thought about what I'm thankful for...
My family is the primary source of my thankfulness. It's taken me to move away from them and begin to grow up myself to realize how truly thankful I am for all of them and how much I love them. I'm thankful for my friends, those that are truly my friends, who help pick me up and support me as my life transitions. I'm grateful for finally realizing that the most important thing I have is myself and I'm thankful that I am finally coming to a point in my life where I can actually face myself, the good and the bad, very openly and honestly. And I'm thankful there are people who are helping me face that, and not thinking any less of me for doing so.
I went to see the balloons at the Museum of Natural History on Wednesday night. Apparently, this used to be a very cool, very Manhattan experience in the "old days" according to people that live here. It's become kind of a zoo, as does everything in this city, but it also was pretty wonderful. I brought my camera with me and took some pretty cool pictures! Because one of my favorite bars in the city (Bourbon Street) is close to there, that ended up being where I went and hung out for a while. Met and talked with some pretty decent people in town for the holidays who have moved away and were just happy to be back in the city. It was a good time.
Yesterday was my "day of reflection". it began by going to the Thanksgiving Parade. I thought I would be smart and go watch it at Columbus Circle and get there at 9am. Well, I wasn't the only person with that plan. I had a lousy view of the parade, so I saw a couple of balloons and took some pictures of them, then came home to watch it on TV. (N.B., if you are a tourist in this city, please don't stand in front of people trying to take pictures with your damn iPad. It's annoying and rude.)
You see the outcome of that day above, so it really was a pretty productive day after all! I ended up getting a TV dinner (ok, roast turkey with potatoes and stuffing) from Gristedes after the Lions/Packers game. Watched the Cowboys/Dolphins game and relaxed and reflected. As I said above, it was a painful, yet productive day.
Black Friday is here and I am preparing to venture out into the city with my little camera and see what's going on. I have a pretty open agenda today. I think I'm going to take the subway down to Penn Station, then start walking home. I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going or where the wind wants to take me today, but right now it's 56 degrees here and should be in the mid-60s this afternoon with not a cloud in the sky. It would be pretty silly of me to spend this beautiful day inside!
To those who read my blog (and it doesn't appear there are many, which is fine), I wish you peace as I search for it in my mind and heart.
My Thanksgiving was different. I spent it alone, by choice. I spent it taking some time to reflect on all of the things in my life I am thankful for right now. There was some pain and hurt inside me due to some of the decisions I've made over the past year in coming out here and, now, choosing to remain and learning that I am truly more alone than I thought I really was. And all that pain and hurt is exacerbated on holidays like Thanksgiving. But I thought about what I'm thankful for...
My family is the primary source of my thankfulness. It's taken me to move away from them and begin to grow up myself to realize how truly thankful I am for all of them and how much I love them. I'm thankful for my friends, those that are truly my friends, who help pick me up and support me as my life transitions. I'm grateful for finally realizing that the most important thing I have is myself and I'm thankful that I am finally coming to a point in my life where I can actually face myself, the good and the bad, very openly and honestly. And I'm thankful there are people who are helping me face that, and not thinking any less of me for doing so.
I went to see the balloons at the Museum of Natural History on Wednesday night. Apparently, this used to be a very cool, very Manhattan experience in the "old days" according to people that live here. It's become kind of a zoo, as does everything in this city, but it also was pretty wonderful. I brought my camera with me and took some pretty cool pictures! Because one of my favorite bars in the city (Bourbon Street) is close to there, that ended up being where I went and hung out for a while. Met and talked with some pretty decent people in town for the holidays who have moved away and were just happy to be back in the city. It was a good time.
Yesterday was my "day of reflection". it began by going to the Thanksgiving Parade. I thought I would be smart and go watch it at Columbus Circle and get there at 9am. Well, I wasn't the only person with that plan. I had a lousy view of the parade, so I saw a couple of balloons and took some pictures of them, then came home to watch it on TV. (N.B., if you are a tourist in this city, please don't stand in front of people trying to take pictures with your damn iPad. It's annoying and rude.)
You see the outcome of that day above, so it really was a pretty productive day after all! I ended up getting a TV dinner (ok, roast turkey with potatoes and stuffing) from Gristedes after the Lions/Packers game. Watched the Cowboys/Dolphins game and relaxed and reflected. As I said above, it was a painful, yet productive day.
Black Friday is here and I am preparing to venture out into the city with my little camera and see what's going on. I have a pretty open agenda today. I think I'm going to take the subway down to Penn Station, then start walking home. I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going or where the wind wants to take me today, but right now it's 56 degrees here and should be in the mid-60s this afternoon with not a cloud in the sky. It would be pretty silly of me to spend this beautiful day inside!
To those who read my blog (and it doesn't appear there are many, which is fine), I wish you peace as I search for it in my mind and heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)