Work, Baby, Work!

Perhaps the hardest thing about working in sales is when you're not selling anything.  I had a rant last week about it.  I could keep going with another rant on the same stuff, but all that does is divert the train.

One of the things I think I'm struggling is this whole 'alone' thing.  I came here to New York and had a very good friend.  We spent a lot of time together.  Too much together, as a matter of fact.  It got to the point where I was hiding behind that friend and not allowing myself to experience anything this city has to offer.  Naturally, she realized it before I did and made a decision that we (i.e., I) need to develop some interests and learn some things about this city.  That's easier said than done, of course.

Because I realize that I've never, in my entire life, lived alone.  I grew up in a house of 9 people, I moved to a dorm, back to my folks', then got married.  I have never lived alone.  At 49+ years of age, I find myself in my great apartment in the greatest city in the world alone.  And that realization hasn't been a real easy one for me.  Sure, I can pick up the phone and call people.  But the "people" are a thousand miles away.  They can't come over to watch the game on a whim.  So it's pretty much up to me.  Everything.  How often I clean, when and what I eat, what is on the television, etc.  And that's just inside the apartment. 

For about a month, I stayed alone.  Kind of like a turtle when someone comes by.  I went into work early and stayed late.  I came home and worked.  I started a blog.  The apartment became not only my home, but my shell.  And I really didn't want to come out.  Because it's safe in here.  I don't have to risk meeting anyone new who I may like (or not like) or who may like (or not like) me.  I don't have to spend a lot of money doing things that way, either.  But you know what I did in addition to being a turtle in a shell?  I beat myself up.  Everything 'bad' that I have done over the course of my life, every 'bad' decision I made, every 'bad' aspect of what makes Dan who he is, came to the fore.  And I realized, almost painfully, that this aloneness that I was feeling was something 'bad' and not something that I could really take advantage of to make myself better.

So I hit bottom.  Felt as much emotional pain as I've ever felt.  The realization of alone, at least for me, was a painful realization.  But I had some people remind me that I'm not alone.  And words will never be able to express how grateful I am for those reminders.  There are people that care, and I'm really not as alone as I thought I was.  Sure, I'm living by myself.  Sure, I get to manage my own time and what I do.  Sure, I still get to figure out what and when I eat, sleep, watch, clean, etc.  And I have to get used to all of that.  But the whole turtle thing, that's not me.

I'm a social animal.  Which brought me to another realization.  I really haven't ever had leisure time that I had to manage for myself.  My leisure time, because I never lived alone, was usually managed with the people I was with or the activities I was involved with.  Now, there aren't any people I'm living with and I'm not involved in any activities.  So I have to find them...

On Wednesday this week, I went to a movie called "The Way".  It was OK.  I think it could have been much better and more profound than it was.  There were a lot of things that were left unspoken in the movie and there were deep feelings in some of the characters that remained hidden or barely on the surface.  Tonight, I went down to the Village and saw Polly West at the Cornelia Street Cafe.  She did a humorous presentation of "How to Survive Your Adult Relationships with Your Family".  Some of the things she said resounded, some of them didn't.  But it was good to get out nonetheless.

There are all kinds of things to do here in the city.  It's going to be my goal to find a lot of them, especially the ones that are free or cheap.  It's exciting, but terrifying.  I'm going to be doing a bunch of stuff alone.  I'm going to be experiencing things and learning things that I want to experience and learn.  And that's exciting.  But I won't be able to share that anywhere but here or on the phone with anyone that wants to listen.  And that's terrifying.  And somewhat lonely.  But that's OK.

The train is leaving the tracks!