One would think after such a momentous victory by the Vikings today over the Carolina Panthers on the road that I would extol the victors and spend some time composing what they must do to become a contender for the Lombardi Trophy. I'm not a sportswriter and, in the end, other than for about 5 hours on a Sunday afternoon, I really don't care all that much. The NFL really is a great diversion.
My son, Tom, turns 20 years old tomorrow. Yes, his birthday is on Halloween. And, yes, he was born the same day the Twin Cities welcomed it's greatest snowfall in a 24 and then a 48 hour period in its recorded history. I can (and do) tell lots of stories about that day. It ranks as one of the top 3 days in my life (there's a 3-way tie at the top for #1). But that's not what I want to write about today, either.
My son and I spoke for the first time in months a couple of days ago. That conversation reinforced that I love him very much, so much that I don't think he can understand how much I do. And, yes, I love his sisters that much, too. But, in all fairness, I started this blog after their birthdays (don't worry, girls, you'll get yours soon enough) and his is tomorrow.
I don't know what people expect their sons to be. I see lots of kids participating in sports when they are young. I see their fathers just as involved in those sports as their sons. I see the fathers pushing their sons beyond their God-given ability in sports in an attempt to become the next [fill in the blank] and living vicariously through their sons. I see those same sons get burnt out of sports before they even get to high school, learning how to resent the sport, and their father. I see them "sticking it out" so they don't let their father down. Instead, they let themselves down. They stay involved in these activities and eschew others where they may be better suited. It's hard to let your father down. But sometimes, that needs to happen.
And it's hard to let your kids down. As a father, I did that. I got all my kids involved in things I thought they would enjoy. But because I am a father, and Tom is my son, we did a bunch of things together. We were very involved in Scouts (where I learned the above lesson), I coached a soccer team, I did what I could. Then I got this new job and started to not be as involved. And not be as smothering. That's when Tom shone like a beacon and I learned the greatest lesson of fatherhood.
As a father, you need to STEP BACK. Let your kids be themselves. Don't lay unrealistic expectations on them. Don't expect more from them than what they want. Don't dream their dreams for them. Do be there once in a while to let them know that they're doing well. And that you're proud of them. Do let them know that you love them. But step back and them handle it.
Those lessons, though, are hard. Stepping back is hard. Letting kids make mistakes and letting them grow up is hard. Keeping your expectations to yourself is hard. Not living vicariously through them is hard. Telling them that they are doing well, that you are proud of them, and that you love them is hard.
My son is now a sophomore at Saint John's University in Collegeville, Minnesota. He is studying to be a high school English teacher. He is in an improv troupe, has a job, and on the radio every Sunday. Before he went to college, Tom was the president of the Student Council at Park High School. He acted in plays. He was a Life Scout. He played an important role in his school transitioning to a 4-year school. He was part of his Homecoming royalty when he was a senior. And I wasn't there for a lot of that, and I deeply regret not being there to share some of those moments with him. And when I moved out here to ride the #8 train, I made a choice to not be there for other things as well. And that makes me sad.
I am proud of my son and I love him very much. He has done more than he knows in helping me try to become the person I hope he can someday be proud to call his father.
Happy Birthday, Tom! I love you!
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