Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. I think it's meaning has evolved a little into preparing the turkey and eating wonderful foods and spending a day simply relaxing (for those not preparing the turkey and foods!) with family. And I think that's wonderful, and I really missed it this year.
My Thanksgiving was different. I spent it alone, by choice. I spent it taking some time to reflect on all of the things in my life I am thankful for right now. There was some pain and hurt inside me due to some of the decisions I've made over the past year in coming out here and, now, choosing to remain and learning that I am truly more alone than I thought I really was. And all that pain and hurt is exacerbated on holidays like Thanksgiving. But I thought about what I'm thankful for...
My family is the primary source of my thankfulness. It's taken me to move away from them and begin to grow up myself to realize how truly thankful I am for all of them and how much I love them. I'm thankful for my friends, those that are truly my friends, who help pick me up and support me as my life transitions. I'm grateful for finally realizing that the most important thing I have is myself and I'm thankful that I am finally coming to a point in my life where I can actually face myself, the good and the bad, very openly and honestly. And I'm thankful there are people who are helping me face that, and not thinking any less of me for doing so.
I went to see the balloons at the Museum of Natural History on Wednesday night. Apparently, this used to be a very cool, very Manhattan experience in the "old days" according to people that live here. It's become kind of a zoo, as does everything in this city, but it also was pretty wonderful. I brought my camera with me and took some pretty cool pictures! Because one of my favorite bars in the city (Bourbon Street) is close to there, that ended up being where I went and hung out for a while. Met and talked with some pretty decent people in town for the holidays who have moved away and were just happy to be back in the city. It was a good time.
Yesterday was my "day of reflection". it began by going to the Thanksgiving Parade. I thought I would be smart and go watch it at Columbus Circle and get there at 9am. Well, I wasn't the only person with that plan. I had a lousy view of the parade, so I saw a couple of balloons and took some pictures of them, then came home to watch it on TV. (N.B., if you are a tourist in this city, please don't stand in front of people trying to take pictures with your damn iPad. It's annoying and rude.)
You see the outcome of that day above, so it really was a pretty productive day after all! I ended up getting a TV dinner (ok, roast turkey with potatoes and stuffing) from Gristedes after the Lions/Packers game. Watched the Cowboys/Dolphins game and relaxed and reflected. As I said above, it was a painful, yet productive day.
Black Friday is here and I am preparing to venture out into the city with my little camera and see what's going on. I have a pretty open agenda today. I think I'm going to take the subway down to Penn Station, then start walking home. I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going or where the wind wants to take me today, but right now it's 56 degrees here and should be in the mid-60s this afternoon with not a cloud in the sky. It would be pretty silly of me to spend this beautiful day inside!
To those who read my blog (and it doesn't appear there are many, which is fine), I wish you peace as I search for it in my mind and heart.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
The Train Goes to Happy Valley
The tragic events at Pennsylvania State University that have finally come to light in the past week are causing a detour on the train this week.
I know a lot of people who attended Penn State. I know a lot of people who bleed dark blue and white. I know a lot of people who are broken-hearted over what has happened.
The reality, and I think Chris Fowler on ESPN said it best, is that the trustees at the university had zero choice in the actions they took yesterday to dismiss the iconic Joe Paterno, the athletic director, and the university president. The justifiable outrage over the allegations was enough to seal their fates. Should they prove true, one can only imagine the ongoing damage, both in reputation and fiscally, this will be for Penn State.
But the train isn't detouring to reflect on what other people are saying, it's detouring to offer a perspective. Can anyone else name an institution that has had this problem of pedophiles ongoing abhorrent behavior being tacitly allowed by non-reporting to civic authorities? I sure can. Now I would ask you to think about the faith histories of the men involved in this situation at Penn State.
It is a safe bet that the men that were involved in this are all practicing Roman Catholics. And the Church has modeled the behavior all of them followed for centuries. It allowed a pedophile to continue molesting children, people who knew didn't stop it, and didn't report it to the police. It is my belief, right or wrong, that the men who did not report this abuse to the police acted EXACTLY like their pastors and bishops have acted over the years. And that, my friends, is very sad.
Because the problem isn't pedophilia. It happens. I can't understand it, nor do I condone it. But it is a psychological illness. The problem is in the non reporting of the actions when they occur. Because in the non reporting is the tacit acceptance of the behavior. And that not only makes me sad, it makes me sick. The fact that someone saw an abusor "in action", did nothing to stop it (which I am still struggling with, as I yell at people for littering), told his boss, who told his boss, who told his boss, and all along that line, NOBODY DID ANYTHING.
It is my hope that the entire country, and to some degree even the Church, learns something from this and does not accept non reporting of abusive acts on children. We can't accept that as a society.
I know a lot of people who attended Penn State. I know a lot of people who bleed dark blue and white. I know a lot of people who are broken-hearted over what has happened.
The reality, and I think Chris Fowler on ESPN said it best, is that the trustees at the university had zero choice in the actions they took yesterday to dismiss the iconic Joe Paterno, the athletic director, and the university president. The justifiable outrage over the allegations was enough to seal their fates. Should they prove true, one can only imagine the ongoing damage, both in reputation and fiscally, this will be for Penn State.
But the train isn't detouring to reflect on what other people are saying, it's detouring to offer a perspective. Can anyone else name an institution that has had this problem of pedophiles ongoing abhorrent behavior being tacitly allowed by non-reporting to civic authorities? I sure can. Now I would ask you to think about the faith histories of the men involved in this situation at Penn State.
It is a safe bet that the men that were involved in this are all practicing Roman Catholics. And the Church has modeled the behavior all of them followed for centuries. It allowed a pedophile to continue molesting children, people who knew didn't stop it, and didn't report it to the police. It is my belief, right or wrong, that the men who did not report this abuse to the police acted EXACTLY like their pastors and bishops have acted over the years. And that, my friends, is very sad.
Because the problem isn't pedophilia. It happens. I can't understand it, nor do I condone it. But it is a psychological illness. The problem is in the non reporting of the actions when they occur. Because in the non reporting is the tacit acceptance of the behavior. And that not only makes me sad, it makes me sick. The fact that someone saw an abusor "in action", did nothing to stop it (which I am still struggling with, as I yell at people for littering), told his boss, who told his boss, who told his boss, and all along that line, NOBODY DID ANYTHING.
It is my hope that the entire country, and to some degree even the Church, learns something from this and does not accept non reporting of abusive acts on children. We can't accept that as a society.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Marathon Weekend in NYC!!!
Normally, I don't get real excited about marathons. When I lived in the Twin Cities, I knew it was the first weekend in October. But that was about it. I never went to see it, despite having brothers and sisters running in it. I'm just not that big of a fan of running. And that was OK. Then I moved here.
New Yorkers have a tendency to make a big deal out of things. They have HUGE parades. It's hard not to mention the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and New Years Eve in Times Square. Any time there's an 'event' in or around the city, it really does come to life. Thankfully, there are a lot of events here and the city comes to life an awful lot. It was amazing to be here during the US Open tennis tournament and see how many people in this city actually care about tennis. During that month, everyone cares about tennis.
The ING NYC Marathon is one of these events. There has been extensive media coverage about it, not to mention the advertising one sees almost everywhere. We are expecting 47,000 runners to run 26.2 miles through the 5 boroughs and end up about 3 miles away from me down in Central Park. The course looks phenomenal. There will be about 3 million spectators along the route, joined by about 130 bands. The east side of the city will pretty much be shut down most of the afternoon to traffic. It is an amazing event. We even had fireworks in Central Park last night!
And all of that is really cool. And I'm going to watch the marathon, just like 2,999,999 other New Yorkers. But I'm watching it for a very special reason. My brother, Jim, and his wife Karla, along with four of their friends from back in Minnesota will be running in the NYC Marathon this year. It will be Jim's 20th marathon and he is very excited. And I am excited for him.
The entourage got here on Thursday night. They took public transportation (yes, M60 bus) from LaGuardia. They are staying very near Columbus Circle on the south end of Central Park. And they've been busy since they got here! I was able to meet up with them when I got home from Seattle last night. I met them at Columbus Circle. We walked down to Times Square. It's only my opinion, but if it's your first time in New York City, you really do need to go to Times Square. We put our name in at Tony's on 43rd and Broadway, walked back up to Rockefeller Center, then back down to Tony's for a GREAT dinner (it was fantastic food and even better than Jim and I could sit and have a private conversation and get caught up), then back to where they are staying. It really was fun.
Today, they did a couple of visitor things. They went to the 9/11 Memorial. Their word is that it's going to be a very special place when it's all done. I have yet to go to the Memorial itself, but have been down to the site a few times. From there they went to (what the ladies convinced Jim) Chinatown. Magically, Canal Street beckoned. Shopping was done. They called me as they were walking to Grand Central to let me know they were on the way. Some hurried last minute cleaning was done, and I had visitors! We went to the Metro Diner for supper, then they went back to get their gear ready for tomorrow and do some high quality resting and zoning out.
I plan on seeing them in the race a couple of times tomorrow. Hopefully when they come into Manhattan around 59th Street and 1st Avenue, then again somewhere in Central Park. Once the race is over, we'll meet again for dinner and kicking it a little bit. I am really looking forward to it!
The #8 train is rolling! And trying to find a track. One of these days, one will appear. Until then, it's going to roll along and keep looking...
New Yorkers have a tendency to make a big deal out of things. They have HUGE parades. It's hard not to mention the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and New Years Eve in Times Square. Any time there's an 'event' in or around the city, it really does come to life. Thankfully, there are a lot of events here and the city comes to life an awful lot. It was amazing to be here during the US Open tennis tournament and see how many people in this city actually care about tennis. During that month, everyone cares about tennis.
The ING NYC Marathon is one of these events. There has been extensive media coverage about it, not to mention the advertising one sees almost everywhere. We are expecting 47,000 runners to run 26.2 miles through the 5 boroughs and end up about 3 miles away from me down in Central Park. The course looks phenomenal. There will be about 3 million spectators along the route, joined by about 130 bands. The east side of the city will pretty much be shut down most of the afternoon to traffic. It is an amazing event. We even had fireworks in Central Park last night!
And all of that is really cool. And I'm going to watch the marathon, just like 2,999,999 other New Yorkers. But I'm watching it for a very special reason. My brother, Jim, and his wife Karla, along with four of their friends from back in Minnesota will be running in the NYC Marathon this year. It will be Jim's 20th marathon and he is very excited. And I am excited for him.
The entourage got here on Thursday night. They took public transportation (yes, M60 bus) from LaGuardia. They are staying very near Columbus Circle on the south end of Central Park. And they've been busy since they got here! I was able to meet up with them when I got home from Seattle last night. I met them at Columbus Circle. We walked down to Times Square. It's only my opinion, but if it's your first time in New York City, you really do need to go to Times Square. We put our name in at Tony's on 43rd and Broadway, walked back up to Rockefeller Center, then back down to Tony's for a GREAT dinner (it was fantastic food and even better than Jim and I could sit and have a private conversation and get caught up), then back to where they are staying. It really was fun.
Today, they did a couple of visitor things. They went to the 9/11 Memorial. Their word is that it's going to be a very special place when it's all done. I have yet to go to the Memorial itself, but have been down to the site a few times. From there they went to (what the ladies convinced Jim) Chinatown. Magically, Canal Street beckoned. Shopping was done. They called me as they were walking to Grand Central to let me know they were on the way. Some hurried last minute cleaning was done, and I had visitors! We went to the Metro Diner for supper, then they went back to get their gear ready for tomorrow and do some high quality resting and zoning out.
I plan on seeing them in the race a couple of times tomorrow. Hopefully when they come into Manhattan around 59th Street and 1st Avenue, then again somewhere in Central Park. Once the race is over, we'll meet again for dinner and kicking it a little bit. I am really looking forward to it!
The #8 train is rolling! And trying to find a track. One of these days, one will appear. Until then, it's going to roll along and keep looking...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Happy All Saints Day!
while many believe that Halloween is one great feast (and I spent the better of my evening last night in Greenwich Village with people who spend 364 days each year living for it), this one is better...
Thank you, Uncle James. Your quiet support of your family and the community of South Saint Paul (despite the fact you went to Cretin) was wonderful. Thank you, Uncle John. Despite the fact you didn't spend a lot of time in my life, you were my first exposure to Downs Syndrome and got me through college. Thank you, Uncle Don. I'm sad I didn't get to know you and even sadder that I can't. Thank you, Uncle Rich. You served your community well and people still talk about how hard you worked. ;) Thank you to all of my family that has gone before me.
Thank you Dad, Thank you Mom. Thank you Gram, Thank you Pappy. My heart and my soul miss you so much right now. I am not sure if you would be proud of me for some of the choices I have made in the recent past, but I am getting to happy. And I am definitely getting to be an emotional grown up. Be happy for that. Rejoice as I grow. And don't be afraid to visit my spirit every once in a while. Because I still love you and miss you more than you could ever know. When you were here, I wasn't grown up enough to talk to you the way I should. I am now. And I will talk to you. So from that dining room table where you're having roast beef (and giving all the fat to Pappy) and solving the worlds' problems, take some time to talk about me. And let some of that grace drip down. Because I really need it.
I love you. You are my saints.
All Saints Day is a holy day within the Catholic Church to honor those who have been identified as saints (that's today) and, according to the church, are in heaven. All Souls Day is a commemoration to remember all those who have died, but the church says they can't guarantee they are in heaven. Nice. If we believe (as I do) that God makes that determination...
Pray for me, Uncles James, Don, John, and Rich. Pray for me, Mom, Dad, Pappy, and Gram. Pray for me those who I have known who have passed before me and are now with God. Today is your day. And I honor YOU.
Thank you, Uncle James. Your quiet support of your family and the community of South Saint Paul (despite the fact you went to Cretin) was wonderful. Thank you, Uncle John. Despite the fact you didn't spend a lot of time in my life, you were my first exposure to Downs Syndrome and got me through college. Thank you, Uncle Don. I'm sad I didn't get to know you and even sadder that I can't. Thank you, Uncle Rich. You served your community well and people still talk about how hard you worked. ;) Thank you to all of my family that has gone before me.
Thank you Dad, Thank you Mom. Thank you Gram, Thank you Pappy. My heart and my soul miss you so much right now. I am not sure if you would be proud of me for some of the choices I have made in the recent past, but I am getting to happy. And I am definitely getting to be an emotional grown up. Be happy for that. Rejoice as I grow. And don't be afraid to visit my spirit every once in a while. Because I still love you and miss you more than you could ever know. When you were here, I wasn't grown up enough to talk to you the way I should. I am now. And I will talk to you. So from that dining room table where you're having roast beef (and giving all the fat to Pappy) and solving the worlds' problems, take some time to talk about me. And let some of that grace drip down. Because I really need it.
I love you. You are my saints.
All Saints Day is a holy day within the Catholic Church to honor those who have been identified as saints (that's today) and, according to the church, are in heaven. All Souls Day is a commemoration to remember all those who have died, but the church says they can't guarantee they are in heaven. Nice. If we believe (as I do) that God makes that determination...
Pray for me, Uncles James, Don, John, and Rich. Pray for me, Mom, Dad, Pappy, and Gram. Pray for me those who I have known who have passed before me and are now with God. Today is your day. And I honor YOU.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Skol, Tom!
One would think after such a momentous victory by the Vikings today over the Carolina Panthers on the road that I would extol the victors and spend some time composing what they must do to become a contender for the Lombardi Trophy. I'm not a sportswriter and, in the end, other than for about 5 hours on a Sunday afternoon, I really don't care all that much. The NFL really is a great diversion.
My son, Tom, turns 20 years old tomorrow. Yes, his birthday is on Halloween. And, yes, he was born the same day the Twin Cities welcomed it's greatest snowfall in a 24 and then a 48 hour period in its recorded history. I can (and do) tell lots of stories about that day. It ranks as one of the top 3 days in my life (there's a 3-way tie at the top for #1). But that's not what I want to write about today, either.
My son and I spoke for the first time in months a couple of days ago. That conversation reinforced that I love him very much, so much that I don't think he can understand how much I do. And, yes, I love his sisters that much, too. But, in all fairness, I started this blog after their birthdays (don't worry, girls, you'll get yours soon enough) and his is tomorrow.
I don't know what people expect their sons to be. I see lots of kids participating in sports when they are young. I see their fathers just as involved in those sports as their sons. I see the fathers pushing their sons beyond their God-given ability in sports in an attempt to become the next [fill in the blank] and living vicariously through their sons. I see those same sons get burnt out of sports before they even get to high school, learning how to resent the sport, and their father. I see them "sticking it out" so they don't let their father down. Instead, they let themselves down. They stay involved in these activities and eschew others where they may be better suited. It's hard to let your father down. But sometimes, that needs to happen.
And it's hard to let your kids down. As a father, I did that. I got all my kids involved in things I thought they would enjoy. But because I am a father, and Tom is my son, we did a bunch of things together. We were very involved in Scouts (where I learned the above lesson), I coached a soccer team, I did what I could. Then I got this new job and started to not be as involved. And not be as smothering. That's when Tom shone like a beacon and I learned the greatest lesson of fatherhood.
As a father, you need to STEP BACK. Let your kids be themselves. Don't lay unrealistic expectations on them. Don't expect more from them than what they want. Don't dream their dreams for them. Do be there once in a while to let them know that they're doing well. And that you're proud of them. Do let them know that you love them. But step back and them handle it.
Those lessons, though, are hard. Stepping back is hard. Letting kids make mistakes and letting them grow up is hard. Keeping your expectations to yourself is hard. Not living vicariously through them is hard. Telling them that they are doing well, that you are proud of them, and that you love them is hard.
My son is now a sophomore at Saint John's University in Collegeville, Minnesota. He is studying to be a high school English teacher. He is in an improv troupe, has a job, and on the radio every Sunday. Before he went to college, Tom was the president of the Student Council at Park High School. He acted in plays. He was a Life Scout. He played an important role in his school transitioning to a 4-year school. He was part of his Homecoming royalty when he was a senior. And I wasn't there for a lot of that, and I deeply regret not being there to share some of those moments with him. And when I moved out here to ride the #8 train, I made a choice to not be there for other things as well. And that makes me sad.
I am proud of my son and I love him very much. He has done more than he knows in helping me try to become the person I hope he can someday be proud to call his father.
Happy Birthday, Tom! I love you!
My son, Tom, turns 20 years old tomorrow. Yes, his birthday is on Halloween. And, yes, he was born the same day the Twin Cities welcomed it's greatest snowfall in a 24 and then a 48 hour period in its recorded history. I can (and do) tell lots of stories about that day. It ranks as one of the top 3 days in my life (there's a 3-way tie at the top for #1). But that's not what I want to write about today, either.
My son and I spoke for the first time in months a couple of days ago. That conversation reinforced that I love him very much, so much that I don't think he can understand how much I do. And, yes, I love his sisters that much, too. But, in all fairness, I started this blog after their birthdays (don't worry, girls, you'll get yours soon enough) and his is tomorrow.
I don't know what people expect their sons to be. I see lots of kids participating in sports when they are young. I see their fathers just as involved in those sports as their sons. I see the fathers pushing their sons beyond their God-given ability in sports in an attempt to become the next [fill in the blank] and living vicariously through their sons. I see those same sons get burnt out of sports before they even get to high school, learning how to resent the sport, and their father. I see them "sticking it out" so they don't let their father down. Instead, they let themselves down. They stay involved in these activities and eschew others where they may be better suited. It's hard to let your father down. But sometimes, that needs to happen.
And it's hard to let your kids down. As a father, I did that. I got all my kids involved in things I thought they would enjoy. But because I am a father, and Tom is my son, we did a bunch of things together. We were very involved in Scouts (where I learned the above lesson), I coached a soccer team, I did what I could. Then I got this new job and started to not be as involved. And not be as smothering. That's when Tom shone like a beacon and I learned the greatest lesson of fatherhood.
As a father, you need to STEP BACK. Let your kids be themselves. Don't lay unrealistic expectations on them. Don't expect more from them than what they want. Don't dream their dreams for them. Do be there once in a while to let them know that they're doing well. And that you're proud of them. Do let them know that you love them. But step back and them handle it.
Those lessons, though, are hard. Stepping back is hard. Letting kids make mistakes and letting them grow up is hard. Keeping your expectations to yourself is hard. Not living vicariously through them is hard. Telling them that they are doing well, that you are proud of them, and that you love them is hard.
My son is now a sophomore at Saint John's University in Collegeville, Minnesota. He is studying to be a high school English teacher. He is in an improv troupe, has a job, and on the radio every Sunday. Before he went to college, Tom was the president of the Student Council at Park High School. He acted in plays. He was a Life Scout. He played an important role in his school transitioning to a 4-year school. He was part of his Homecoming royalty when he was a senior. And I wasn't there for a lot of that, and I deeply regret not being there to share some of those moments with him. And when I moved out here to ride the #8 train, I made a choice to not be there for other things as well. And that makes me sad.
I am proud of my son and I love him very much. He has done more than he knows in helping me try to become the person I hope he can someday be proud to call his father.
Happy Birthday, Tom! I love you!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
First Snow!
Today we are having our first snow of the season. I find it interesting that there hasn't been measureable snow in New York City this 'early' since 1952. Yes, you're reading that right. That was the year my MOTHER graduated from high school. So I guess this snow event here is kind of a big deal. People back in Minnesota are all surprised that it hasn't snowed there yet. It is beautiful and the city is still working, but I fear as the winds pick up later today that there will be some early shutdowns. Oh well....
Still trying to figure things to do out. My daughters provided wonderful suggestions about auditing classes at either Columbia or NYU (or maybe another university here in the city) and I'm looking into that. It's interesting trying to find things to do here in the city. Because there is so much going on, it's hard to find a place online where it all comes together so that there's a single place to go for the information one needs. It just doesn't exist. So finding things here is more about finding the right resources to find the right thing. Or anything for that matter. It can be time-consuming to actually find things to do with free time! Especially when one is alone and relatively new here. Where do you look?
There are some resources that people here use. Time Out New York is a weekly publication (it comes out on Wednesdays) that provides a pretty good idea of what's going on in the city. The movie and humorist I saw last week I found in that magazine. It's a very good resources. I found another resource as well, called "Club Free Time" that is an online resource that displays events (all kinds of them) that are free or low cost. It really looks like an interesting club, with annual membership dues of about $20. I'm thinking of joining, because one of my 'goals' in finding things to do is to find inexpensive or free things to do in New York. Kind of rules out Broadway plays and some of the higher end events, but there are all kinds of things to do that won't cost me an arm and a leg. And that's exciting.
Back to the snow... I hate snow. I hate cold. I left Minnesota to start escaping from it. I'm a little more south now, and who knows what the future will hold. But I'm guessing that it will involve me heading further and further south until 'snow' is something I see on television. But the snow now is going to keep me in tonight, that's for sure. The bonus is that it will allow me to get some cleaning done in preparation for the New Prague visit next weekend for the NYC Marathon
This doesn't mean that I was a hermit this week at all, though! I didn't really do anything special. I was in Washington DC early in the week (Monday and Tuesday), I was working on Wednesday and Thursday. Last night, I went to one of the locals taverns (Tap a Keg) to watch Game 7 of the World Series. I ended up sitting at the bar next to a saxophonist and we talked baseball through the entire game. Tomorrow I'm planning to head down to Bar None to watch the Vikings. I'm thinking about going to the Halloween parade in the Village on Monday.
Time for a snowy day nap! It's a good thing the white stuff is coming down on a Saturday!
Still trying to figure things to do out. My daughters provided wonderful suggestions about auditing classes at either Columbia or NYU (or maybe another university here in the city) and I'm looking into that. It's interesting trying to find things to do here in the city. Because there is so much going on, it's hard to find a place online where it all comes together so that there's a single place to go for the information one needs. It just doesn't exist. So finding things here is more about finding the right resources to find the right thing. Or anything for that matter. It can be time-consuming to actually find things to do with free time! Especially when one is alone and relatively new here. Where do you look?
There are some resources that people here use. Time Out New York is a weekly publication (it comes out on Wednesdays) that provides a pretty good idea of what's going on in the city. The movie and humorist I saw last week I found in that magazine. It's a very good resources. I found another resource as well, called "Club Free Time" that is an online resource that displays events (all kinds of them) that are free or low cost. It really looks like an interesting club, with annual membership dues of about $20. I'm thinking of joining, because one of my 'goals' in finding things to do is to find inexpensive or free things to do in New York. Kind of rules out Broadway plays and some of the higher end events, but there are all kinds of things to do that won't cost me an arm and a leg. And that's exciting.
Back to the snow... I hate snow. I hate cold. I left Minnesota to start escaping from it. I'm a little more south now, and who knows what the future will hold. But I'm guessing that it will involve me heading further and further south until 'snow' is something I see on television. But the snow now is going to keep me in tonight, that's for sure. The bonus is that it will allow me to get some cleaning done in preparation for the New Prague visit next weekend for the NYC Marathon
This doesn't mean that I was a hermit this week at all, though! I didn't really do anything special. I was in Washington DC early in the week (Monday and Tuesday), I was working on Wednesday and Thursday. Last night, I went to one of the locals taverns (Tap a Keg) to watch Game 7 of the World Series. I ended up sitting at the bar next to a saxophonist and we talked baseball through the entire game. Tomorrow I'm planning to head down to Bar None to watch the Vikings. I'm thinking about going to the Halloween parade in the Village on Monday.
Time for a snowy day nap! It's a good thing the white stuff is coming down on a Saturday!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Work, Baby, Work!
Perhaps the hardest thing about working in sales is when you're not selling anything. I had a rant last week about it. I could keep going with another rant on the same stuff, but all that does is divert the train.
One of the things I think I'm struggling is this whole 'alone' thing. I came here to New York and had a very good friend. We spent a lot of time together. Too much together, as a matter of fact. It got to the point where I was hiding behind that friend and not allowing myself to experience anything this city has to offer. Naturally, she realized it before I did and made a decision that we (i.e., I) need to develop some interests and learn some things about this city. That's easier said than done, of course.
Because I realize that I've never, in my entire life, lived alone. I grew up in a house of 9 people, I moved to a dorm, back to my folks', then got married. I have never lived alone. At 49+ years of age, I find myself in my great apartment in the greatest city in the world alone. And that realization hasn't been a real easy one for me. Sure, I can pick up the phone and call people. But the "people" are a thousand miles away. They can't come over to watch the game on a whim. So it's pretty much up to me. Everything. How often I clean, when and what I eat, what is on the television, etc. And that's just inside the apartment.
For about a month, I stayed alone. Kind of like a turtle when someone comes by. I went into work early and stayed late. I came home and worked. I started a blog. The apartment became not only my home, but my shell. And I really didn't want to come out. Because it's safe in here. I don't have to risk meeting anyone new who I may like (or not like) or who may like (or not like) me. I don't have to spend a lot of money doing things that way, either. But you know what I did in addition to being a turtle in a shell? I beat myself up. Everything 'bad' that I have done over the course of my life, every 'bad' decision I made, every 'bad' aspect of what makes Dan who he is, came to the fore. And I realized, almost painfully, that this aloneness that I was feeling was something 'bad' and not something that I could really take advantage of to make myself better.
So I hit bottom. Felt as much emotional pain as I've ever felt. The realization of alone, at least for me, was a painful realization. But I had some people remind me that I'm not alone. And words will never be able to express how grateful I am for those reminders. There are people that care, and I'm really not as alone as I thought I was. Sure, I'm living by myself. Sure, I get to manage my own time and what I do. Sure, I still get to figure out what and when I eat, sleep, watch, clean, etc. And I have to get used to all of that. But the whole turtle thing, that's not me.
I'm a social animal. Which brought me to another realization. I really haven't ever had leisure time that I had to manage for myself. My leisure time, because I never lived alone, was usually managed with the people I was with or the activities I was involved with. Now, there aren't any people I'm living with and I'm not involved in any activities. So I have to find them...
On Wednesday this week, I went to a movie called "The Way". It was OK. I think it could have been much better and more profound than it was. There were a lot of things that were left unspoken in the movie and there were deep feelings in some of the characters that remained hidden or barely on the surface. Tonight, I went down to the Village and saw Polly West at the Cornelia Street Cafe. She did a humorous presentation of "How to Survive Your Adult Relationships with Your Family". Some of the things she said resounded, some of them didn't. But it was good to get out nonetheless.
There are all kinds of things to do here in the city. It's going to be my goal to find a lot of them, especially the ones that are free or cheap. It's exciting, but terrifying. I'm going to be doing a bunch of stuff alone. I'm going to be experiencing things and learning things that I want to experience and learn. And that's exciting. But I won't be able to share that anywhere but here or on the phone with anyone that wants to listen. And that's terrifying. And somewhat lonely. But that's OK.
The train is leaving the tracks!
One of the things I think I'm struggling is this whole 'alone' thing. I came here to New York and had a very good friend. We spent a lot of time together. Too much together, as a matter of fact. It got to the point where I was hiding behind that friend and not allowing myself to experience anything this city has to offer. Naturally, she realized it before I did and made a decision that we (i.e., I) need to develop some interests and learn some things about this city. That's easier said than done, of course.
Because I realize that I've never, in my entire life, lived alone. I grew up in a house of 9 people, I moved to a dorm, back to my folks', then got married. I have never lived alone. At 49+ years of age, I find myself in my great apartment in the greatest city in the world alone. And that realization hasn't been a real easy one for me. Sure, I can pick up the phone and call people. But the "people" are a thousand miles away. They can't come over to watch the game on a whim. So it's pretty much up to me. Everything. How often I clean, when and what I eat, what is on the television, etc. And that's just inside the apartment.
For about a month, I stayed alone. Kind of like a turtle when someone comes by. I went into work early and stayed late. I came home and worked. I started a blog. The apartment became not only my home, but my shell. And I really didn't want to come out. Because it's safe in here. I don't have to risk meeting anyone new who I may like (or not like) or who may like (or not like) me. I don't have to spend a lot of money doing things that way, either. But you know what I did in addition to being a turtle in a shell? I beat myself up. Everything 'bad' that I have done over the course of my life, every 'bad' decision I made, every 'bad' aspect of what makes Dan who he is, came to the fore. And I realized, almost painfully, that this aloneness that I was feeling was something 'bad' and not something that I could really take advantage of to make myself better.
So I hit bottom. Felt as much emotional pain as I've ever felt. The realization of alone, at least for me, was a painful realization. But I had some people remind me that I'm not alone. And words will never be able to express how grateful I am for those reminders. There are people that care, and I'm really not as alone as I thought I was. Sure, I'm living by myself. Sure, I get to manage my own time and what I do. Sure, I still get to figure out what and when I eat, sleep, watch, clean, etc. And I have to get used to all of that. But the whole turtle thing, that's not me.
I'm a social animal. Which brought me to another realization. I really haven't ever had leisure time that I had to manage for myself. My leisure time, because I never lived alone, was usually managed with the people I was with or the activities I was involved with. Now, there aren't any people I'm living with and I'm not involved in any activities. So I have to find them...
On Wednesday this week, I went to a movie called "The Way". It was OK. I think it could have been much better and more profound than it was. There were a lot of things that were left unspoken in the movie and there were deep feelings in some of the characters that remained hidden or barely on the surface. Tonight, I went down to the Village and saw Polly West at the Cornelia Street Cafe. She did a humorous presentation of "How to Survive Your Adult Relationships with Your Family". Some of the things she said resounded, some of them didn't. But it was good to get out nonetheless.
There are all kinds of things to do here in the city. It's going to be my goal to find a lot of them, especially the ones that are free or cheap. It's exciting, but terrifying. I'm going to be doing a bunch of stuff alone. I'm going to be experiencing things and learning things that I want to experience and learn. And that's exciting. But I won't be able to share that anywhere but here or on the phone with anyone that wants to listen. And that's terrifying. And somewhat lonely. But that's OK.
The train is leaving the tracks!
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